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33 Days: Sometimes They Come Back…

February 4, 2011

Weren’t we all a little caught off guard when the star of Bosom Buddies was nominated and won his first Oscar for his portrayal of a man whose HIV status subjects him to employment discrimination. Why it was more unfathomable than Denzel’s weird pr0nny ‘stache. But when that motherfucker came back the next year to collect another statue it was like the Academy had lost its mind!

Four days before I was born, Marlon Brando sent a Native American woman – to paraphrase Sir Michael Caine – “to receive the boos he so richly deserved instead of taking them himself”. Sasheen Littlefeather accepted Brando’s award and offered an explanation:

Marlon Brando … has asked me to tell you, in a very long speech which I cannot share with you presently—because of time—but I will be glad to share with the press afterward, that he must… very regretfully cannot accept this very generous award. And the reason for this being… are the treatment of American Indians today by the film industry… excuse me… and on television in movie re-runs, and also the recent happenings at Wounded Knee. I beg at this time that I have not intruded upon this evening and that we will, in the future…our hearts and our understanding will meet with love and generosity. Thank you on behalf of Marlon Brando.

Brando was like a lot of fauxgressives. Rumor has it: when nobody was looking he asked for his Oscar back! But the Academy told him to take his snooty ass up out of their faces. Now I love me some Brando because he was passionate about his beliefs, but I tend to hate when people stink up my Oscars with their passionate beliefs, particularly when someone from a marginalized community gets the boos! Maybe he felt he could be so cavalier because, after all, this was his second Best Actor Oscar. (he won his first for On the Waterfront in 1954)

Now I love me some Miss Susan, but even I, as the most bleediest of bleeding hearts, would shift uncomfortably in my easy chair with the thought of Miss Susan winning an award and then using the opportunity to lecture the rest of us about how bad we all were to each other, people in countries she can’t even pronounce and you know, the environment. Hey, I’m sorry, I’m not getting a lecture from the female lead of Rocky Horror! Anyway, Miss Susan got nominated every year – or so it seemed – and each year we breathed a collective sigh of relief because we weren’t going to get called out by her. Then one day, she must have gotten the message and oddly enough she won. Her speech was gracious, but we still got a little smacked down. And that’s cool. But it was nothing like what we would have gotten if she’d won for The client, which is the performance I believed she deserved the Oscar for.

Mr. Jaws the Revenge! They should just rename the Best Supporting Actor award, the “Michael Caine Excellence in Gravitas Award”? Bonus, Judi Dench announces the nominees. Also, I hear you, Peter Coyote!

And of course…

Ignore Hollywood who can’t take a joke, unless of course it’s made by a fat, white British comedian. Then there’s a rush to defend the jokester and folks are happy to see Hollywood be skewered. And I’m sorry, why would black comedian be all up on Jude Law’s shit. What’s he ever done for my people? That’s why we don’t like your punk ass either, Sean. STFU, Crybaby. Take your janky ass rowboat and go the fuck home.

Anyhoo, there’s Hilary Swank who is apparently the luckiest person in Hollywood. If she’s nominated for an Oscar she usually wins. Ha. Good on her. As why do we assume she “forgot” to thank her husband. Oh sure she tried to retcon things, but they did divorce! Oh maybe that’s part of the whole Oscar Divorce Curse, which only has Oscar winners divorced 5% more than the general population! Some of those Oscar Winner marriages are second and third, which have much higher rates of divorce so 60% is looking good when you factor in how many of these winners have been married multiple times.

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. February 4, 2011 10:31 am

    omg, I remember begging Sean Penn to shut his piehole during that moment, it was so embarrassing to watch!

  2. February 4, 2011 11:03 am

    It was so terribly awkward. It was so selfish. I mean can he set his preachy ego aside for a hot minute.

  3. February 4, 2011 11:10 am

    It looks like once an actor wins the first one, the chances of winning the second get better. But unless your last name is “Hepburn” (and your first is “Kate”) after #2 you’d better start practicing your Meryl face.

  4. February 4, 2011 11:14 am

    @snarky: I’m sure Jude Law even felt embarrassed by Sean. Was Sean trying to woo him to be in a movie or something? Was he badly kissing up?

    @redlami: Or start writing your lifetime achievement speech so you’ll be prepared, whether it happens when you’re alive or not.

  5. February 4, 2011 12:46 pm

    LOL @ “Meryl Face”, Redlami.

  6. February 4, 2011 1:24 pm

    @snarky: I’m sure Jude Law even felt embarrassed by Sean. Was Sean trying to woo him to be in a movie or something? Was he badly kissing up?

    I didn’t even know they were tight!

  7. February 4, 2011 1:28 pm

    Also, I’m coming out as a serious Hilary Swank fan. I love her acting. And she rocked the hell out of Boys Don’t Cry and Million Dollar Baby.

  8. Snyder permalink
    February 4, 2011 5:01 pm

    I can’t believe Hanks has one Oscar, much less too. Seems incredibly cruel.

  9. emmitt permalink
    February 4, 2011 11:53 pm

    This is why Joe Pesci has the best Oscar acceptance speech ever. No long teary whatever-the-hell, just “It was my privilege, thank you.”

  10. February 5, 2011 10:38 am

    Given how long these people presumably spend practicing their acceptance speeches, you’d think they’d be less excruciating.

    Or maybe the long practicing is the problem.

  11. February 9, 2011 10:27 am

    Maybe Sean Penn could offer Jude Law some support beyond earnest platitudes now:

    http://popmorsels.com/2011/02/09/jude-laws-relationship-peters-out/

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