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Weird Science Wednesdays: Wild Kingdom Edition

October 13, 2010
Tube-Nosed Fruit Bat

Papua New Guinea's tube-nosed fruit bat

Welcome to the Wild (Weird) Kingdom edition of Weird Science Wednesdays. In this edition, we’ll be looking at oddities in the animal kingdom. Except for the last link, you all have my fellow Fry Butts to thank (blame?) for these — they gave me the ideas.

  • That thing in the above picture is a tube-nosed fruit bat recently discovered in Papua New Guinea’s Nakanai and Muller mountain ranges. I personally think it must use the tubes to suck up berries and such, but the article doesn’t tell us what the tubes are for. Google it and report back.
  • In exciting (well, interesting) news, the first new carnivorous mammal discovered in 24 years was found in the wetlands of Madagascar. It’s the size of a cat, and kind of cute, I think. I wouldn’t mind having it for a pet if it weren’t for knowing it would probably gnaw my eyes out as I slept or something. Wild animals do not play! That’s why I don’t understand why people think chimps are so cute. How many times do we have to hear about some chimp eating someone’s face off before we leave those mothers in the wild? But I digress. I just get all worked up talking about those evil chimps. Oh, you probably shouldn’t click on that first chimp link if you aren’t prepared to see a dude with no nose.
  • Someone thought it would be a good use of time to figure out what kind of wheel Syrian hamsters prefer running in. First off, I didn’t even know hamsters were in the wild. I thought they were some kind of hellspawn that just appeared out of nowhere. I call them hellspawn because those things are VICIOUS. They EAT EACH OTHER’S BRAINS! I am not joking. I had 4 hamsters, 2 to a cage. One hamster ate the other in one cage, then in the other cage one of the hamsters ate the other. We put the two zombie hamsters together and guess what? That’s right, one zombie ate the other. We gave that hamster to some sucker kid down the street. So yeah, I don’t really care what wheel they like. I stay the f away from hamsters.
  • I just learned about this thing called penis fencing from good ol’ s.e. smith of Fry Butt fame. It’s a worm thing, these flatworms are hermaphroditic and that’s how they inseminate each other/themselves/whatever. But it also refers to bonobos gaying it up! That’s the kind of (pygmy) chimp activity I’m down with. None of this face-eating nonsense.
  • While I was looking for a video of this lion laying the smackdown on a hyena I came across this bananas cow — a SUPER COW, actually. This cow looks like Thierry Mugler on 4 times his usual dosage of steroids. And people eat that! Not Thierry, the cow. This is what genetic engineering has brought us, folks. Bodybuilder cows. Thank god for science.
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8 Comments leave one →
  1. October 13, 2010 10:45 pm

    I got to this line in the Esquire chimp-eating-face article — “One of the chimps gnawed on his buttocks and bit off his genitals” — and then I came back quickly to the safety of FryButter. *shudder* I do not trust or like monkeys anyway, this is sealing the deal.

  2. October 13, 2010 11:27 pm

    YEAH DO NOT FUCK WITH CHIMPS!!!!

  3. evmaroon permalink
    October 14, 2010 12:25 am

    Chimps haunt my dreams at night. I especially skeeve out when chimps are in clothes, all sweet-looking, but they’ll tear your face off in 2.3 seconds.

    Meanwhile, I love all the intersex creatures of the world.

    And yeah, my niece’s hamster ate my nephew’s hamster. That’s just disgusting.

  4. October 14, 2010 2:04 am

    There might need to be some kind of GROSS OUT warning. I didn’t read this shit because I couldn’t imagine it not making my stomach turn, but other folks might not be as savvy.

  5. October 14, 2010 2:08 am

    I do have to admit…I wonder what chimp taste like.

  6. October 14, 2010 6:53 am

    The weirdest part of that story was the cow….styling. They shaved. The cattle. To show off their muscles. And then, while they fondled the muscles, they started talking about ‘lean cuts of meat.’ Then they collected jizz and ran it through the spermalyzer.

    I’ve got to stop watching weird shit early in the morning, this will be stuck in my head all day.

  7. October 14, 2010 1:50 pm

    Mm. Chimp stew. Have to cut the meat just so. I’m sure Rachael Ray would not mince words as she minced monkey meat.

    For the record, I do not condone the eating of chimpanzees, monkeys or any wild animals, any more than I would condone their eating of me.

    I think we all learned a very valuable lesson from this edition of Weird Science Wednesdays; in fact we learned several lessons. We have to keep our hamsters in separate cages (or at least make certain we give them helmets). Don’t let any carnivorous mammals in the house until you are certain they’re well fed. Get your milk from a regular cow, if at all possible. And finally always say no to Chimps!

  8. October 14, 2010 2:32 pm

    wow I thought the hamster thing was a joke until I looked it up.

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