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Weird Science Wednesday: Let’s Talk About Sex Edition

October 6, 2010

Oh baby, he likes it rawww.

I came across several stories involving a favorite topic — sex and sexxxing. With xtra x’s because it’s that hot. Anyway, I’ll get right to the ol’ in-out and not bore you with foreplay.

  • So apparently squirrel men are worried about STDs from unprotected sex with questionable squirrelesses. They’re jerking off after sex to clean out their rods since they haven’t learned to use their cute squirrel hands to fashion condoms out of acorns yet.

    Other rodents were shocked at the wanton sexuality displayed by the squirrels:

    Okay, sorry, I had to do that.

  • I would set this next link to something like “Eye of the Tiger” or “We Are the Champions” but you can’t really set links to music. Anyway, some studies have concluded that when men’s chosen candidate(s) prevail in elections, they look at porn more often afterward. Democrats AND Repubs. Why, you ask? Well, they don’t really know, but I imagine it has something to do with the victorious feeling men get from successful ejaculation. You do feel victorious after you’ve managed to blow a significant load, right? Well winning an election is like blowing your load all over your opponent. It’s the money shot of politics. (Did I mention this column is 18+? Kids, hide your eyes but leave enough room between your fingers to read a little.)
  • In flower sex news, these daisies are getting accused of being sexually deceptive. I quote:

    The plants have curious black spots on their petals that bear an uncanny resemblance to their main pollinator, the bee-fly Megapalpus capensis. The spots are fuzzy and raised, with coloration that mimics light glinting off a bee-fly’s wings and midsection.

    So they use their (feminine?) wiles to seduce male bee-flies to drop their load on the spots and give them a good pollination. But you’ve got to have the right kind of spots to get the good pollen. Much as in human dating, bee-flies don’t just drop their load on a girl with just any raised spots. “For deceptive daisies, the spots are actually raised in such a way that the mating fly is positioned amongst those pollen presenters.” I bet you’re getting excited just thinking about those spots and how you’d like to rub your fly on them. Mmm, flower sex.

  • Finally, a kind of weird but amusing story: A Dutch researcher received the Ig Nobel Prize in 2003 for discovering dead gay duck sex. So humans don’t corner the market on gay sex with corpses. Livescience.com did a Q&A with him yesterday. Here’s some highlights.

    Q: Has this changed our understanding of the biology of the duck?

    A: I think so, especially for a large audience who think homosexuality, and things like necrophilia, is strictly limited to the human species. But when you tell the story and you say “Well, this is a duck,” and people say, “Oh, I didn’t know this was happening in nature as well” — I think that’s a positive way to look at diversity in sexual behavior.

    Q: Over the years, what’s the funniest research finding you’ve come across?

    A: Among the winners, one of my favorites is the penguin poo study. It was I think a couple years ago, a biology prize given to biologists and physicists who calculated how much pressure a penguin builds up in its body to poo. And they poo a long way. If you look at the nest of a penguin, all around it you see a white circle of the s**t. And it’s because they have lots of pressure in their body to poo outside of the nest so they don’t dirty their own nest.

    I guess penguin poo isn’t a sexy way to end this column, so I’ll give you this:

Happy mating!

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. October 6, 2010 9:55 pm

    This post is better than anything I ever saw on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. all those animals ever did was kill each other, frolic and antagonize Jim, while Merlin Perkins blithely narrated the events to the audience.

  2. Citizen Taqueau permalink
    October 6, 2010 10:11 pm

    You… KILL me.

    Also, my new favorite out of context quote is now, “Well, this is a duck.”

  3. October 6, 2010 10:26 pm

    I want to see a comparative study on internal pressure and bird shit. I am imagining the title already: ‘Poo: Going the Distance.’

  4. evmaroon permalink
    October 6, 2010 10:27 pm

    I want to know how on earth knowing that men read porn more after an election helps us as a culture. Unless it’s to create subliminal messages in porn to get men to improve their hygiene and give to progressive causes.

    Wait a minute…

  5. October 6, 2010 10:59 pm

    just like on xtube, I hate when porn videos are ruined by musical soundtracks! and I love any use of dramatic prairie dog.

  6. October 7, 2010 12:26 am

    This Political Candidacy issue may also apply to sports. Keep an eye out on Monday Night Football… oh and the Yankees started off their playoffs right.

  7. October 7, 2010 12:39 am

    Most of my sexual encounters go down exactly like that lioness’.

  8. October 7, 2010 12:42 am

    I could have done without The Tokens singing during that. In that sense, it’s good that it was brief. However I don’t get the roar in the ear business. It seems like adding injury to insult.

  9. October 7, 2010 2:57 am

    My friend Bill was just trying to get me to watch a video involving a duck wiener and now I am here reading your post about gay duck necrophilia. Clearly there is a theme to my evening! Also:

  10. October 7, 2010 9:04 am

    Oh my. This was fabulous. In a sort of “Why am I reading about gay duck necrophilia? Oh…wait…why wasn’t I reading about this before?” kinda way.

    I, too, am a fan of now using the phrase “Well, it’s a duck” out of context.

  11. IrishUp permalink
    October 8, 2010 4:12 pm

    That opening picture has just added new meaning to Squirrel Nut Zippers for me.

    What lions may lack in duration, they make up for in quantity – they’ll do it 40x per day. I must say, they were much more cute and nuzzily about it than the description I read in my comparative zoology class!

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