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This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things: What I Really Want to Do is Sing!

September 15, 2010

For every Mandy! there are a bunch of chowderheads whose managers, friends, family and associates are too cowardly to remove microphones from the overconfident famous person’s hands and dash their hopes of embarking on a singing career. Fortunately when these folks do embark on musical careers the results are usually so hilarious and awful they are practically their own karaoke renditions.

“Under the Boardwalk” – Bruce Willis

Did we get Bruce in the racial draft? I love him and used to love watching this video whenever it came on BET, but c’mon now. This is so awful. Oddly, the worst part isn’t even the singing; it’s the acting. This is the kind of thing Make a Wish does, so at the time, I’m sure there was probably some concern that Bruce was ill or something. Why else would anyone willing allow a man who cannot sing to collaborate with The Temptations – even if he is Bruce Willis?

“Just the Way I Planned It” – Philip Michael Thomas

When you see the name “Philip Michael Thomas” stamped onto a recording, you’re guaranteed quality. Of this song, I once wrote, “He’s not even on KEY. I’m pretty sure being cute as all get out wouldn’t prevent him from getting Le Booted from American Idol or possibly the heave ho from the local karaoke bar.” This is worse than karaoke. At least at some point a bad karaoke performance will end. This song feels as though it’s going to go on forever. This is no way to achieve EGOT.

“Take a Chance” – Olivia & John

John Travolta isn’t always awful, but he’s still a bit of a crap shoot. Now this, I would classify this as “awful”, which makes sense as the film it’s from is also kind of cheesy bad 1983 film Two of a Kind. The only thing I remember about that movie, besides the songs otherwise being pretty good (the ones Olivia sings by herself) is John Travolta’s character is the inventor of edible sunglasses. Where do I find this stuff? Well if you’re not spending hours watching the banality of Jersey Shore or the ridiculously bad acting of True Blood, it’s kind of amazing how much you can get done. Trust me. I’ve done the legwork.

“Girl, it’s All Right” – Steven Seagal

I don’t even know where to start. This recording is on par with something you’d find if you paid $19.99 to record a video of yourself singing Escape (The Pina Colada Song) at an amusement park. Now, his vocals are actually not all that terrible. And the song is like Change the World if Babyface was in the studio unconscious and Clapton was still using drugs. But let’s get real; which one of you is gonna tell the 6’4 martial arts (Asian fetishist) specialist he can’t record some songs. I’m pretty bad ass, but yeah, I’ll pass on that. Get your sang on, Steven!

One bonus. I love you, Hass ! And I love this song so much. Run and tell it, David.

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33 Comments leave one →
  1. September 15, 2010 1:59 pm

    I apologize for posting this, even though you brought this on yourself. It makes my ears bleed and my heart weep.

    Scarlett Johansson – Falling Down

  2. September 15, 2010 2:04 pm

    My dislike of Scarls is 200% now. Dear lord, that song was atrocious! I kind of just feel like she got to record an album because a bunch of geeky music producers think she’s foxy. Ugh! Horrid!

  3. September 15, 2010 2:05 pm

    WHAT?! Eddie Murphy (Party All The Time) and Don Johnson (Heartbeat) are trailblazers in TV actor turned bad album pusher motif. Snarky, not even the tiniest of shoutouts?

  4. September 15, 2010 2:20 pm

    she was probably throwing us a bone for comment-content!

  5. September 15, 2010 2:32 pm

    I love Milla and her voice isn’t awful, but WTF???

    And in a subgenre called “Singers singing their own THEMES” Raybear and I would KILL this at Karaoke!

  6. September 15, 2010 2:33 pm

    Ladies and Gentlemen, I offer for your consideration Mr. Burt Reynolds:

    You can listen to the Bandit’s vocal stylings courtesy of WFMU: Ask Me What I Am radio station promo materials. Money quote: “I always knew I could sing, but nobody else did.”

  7. September 15, 2010 2:34 pm

    I actually owned that Milla album!

  8. September 15, 2010 2:35 pm

    I had this cassingle too!

  9. September 15, 2010 2:39 pm

    Who could forget the vocal stylings of Mr. Eye of the Tiger himself:

    Now to be fair, Sly carry a tune a little ways, but this is just wrong.

  10. September 15, 2010 3:00 pm

    Does Keanu Reeves count? He played bass but only contributed backup vocals in Dogstar so at least he had some sense.

  11. September 15, 2010 3:03 pm

    Hahah. I saw them in “concert”.

  12. September 15, 2010 3:07 pm

    if she weren’t the daughter of her father AND an actor, she’d have never gotten two albums made.

  13. September 15, 2010 3:08 pm

  14. September 15, 2010 3:13 pm

    There’s a whole subgenre for Star Trek original cast members:

    Nichelle Nichols doesn’t count, because she can actually sing, but what the heck…

  15. September 15, 2010 3:15 pm

    Charlotte! WHY DO I HAVE ALL THESE SONG ON MY IPOD!!! I kind of like it, but yeah, she needn’t press her luck.

    C’mon now, Jack brought his C- game to the recording studio. Things could have been worse. Scorpio could have decided he wanted to sing!

    not an actor (definitely not) and also NOT A SINGER

    What did T-Rex ever do to her. I won’t front. I had this CD too. Bought it when it dropped.

  16. September 15, 2010 3:27 pm

    What are the putting in the Star Trek cast’s water. Why?

  17. September 15, 2010 3:28 pm

    When you really have trouble carrying a tune, try jazz, maybe people will think it’s intentional.

    Billy Dee Williams:

    Cybill Shepherd:

  18. September 15, 2010 3:32 pm

    The Duke Boys!

    Bo:

    Luke:

    Both can actually sing. So maybe they’re more singers who can’t act. I think Tom Wopat (Luke) wins this round. I like that song better and remember it my teen years.

  19. September 15, 2010 6:57 pm

    My favorite Nimoy song is “If I Had a Hammer.” I can’t find a video for it, though.

    Eff ScarJo. Her album makes me so angry, not just because she can’t sing, but because she did an album of Tom Waits songs. Leave Tom alone!

    My favorite Bruce Willis song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ni90iL81wTQ

  20. Citizen Taqueau permalink
    September 15, 2010 8:02 pm

    The horror that will never be erased from my mind is Aileen Quinn (the title role actress in the movie “Annie”) singing “(I Wanna Be) Bobby’s Girl. I won’t post it. I can’t have that on my conscience.

  21. September 15, 2010 10:09 pm

    Jennifer Love Hewitt:

    A bartender at the club I DJed at wouldn’t stop hounding me until I got her disc and played this song during the night (very early into the night, obv). Anybody want a slightly used Jennifer Love Hewitt album?

  22. September 16, 2010 1:50 am

    I have no video to add but I LOVE the Leonard Nimoy Bilbo Baggins song, I’ve loved that for a long time. I love Shatner’s spoken word covers of songs too.

  23. September 16, 2010 9:20 am

    I actually have Shatner’s album “Has Been.” It’s actually pretty fantastic.

    Some favorites from it:

    Shatner and Henry Rollins, I Can’t Get Behind That (the lyrics to this are used in my every day conversations, by the way):

    Shatner: Common People (ft. Jarvis Cocker)

  24. hsofia permalink
    September 16, 2010 12:14 pm

    This post had me cracking up so hard, I fell off my office chair.

    Bruce is having SUCH a good time singing with the Temptations, I actually can’t feel bad for him. But I remember watching this on tv with my folks and we were all just shaking our heads.

    I do have Milla Jovovich’s album, and it’s actually pretty good. I’d never seen the video, though, and all I can say is that maybe when it was made, it was cool, but now it’s decidedly NOT. The audio in it doesn’t sound as lush as the production on the CD, either. Maybe this video is responsible for there being no more MJ albums.

  25. September 16, 2010 5:24 pm

    Bruce is having SUCH a good time singing with the Temptations, I actually can’t feel bad for him. But I remember watching this on tv with my folks and we were all just shaking our heads.

    Agreed! He’s a charmer, even if his singing leaves a bit to be desired.

    Eieioj, please tell me that’s Secret Agent Man! I haven’t clicked the link yet.

  26. September 16, 2010 5:27 pm

    Here it is. (noticed the link was for the amazingly hilarious chart topping Respect Yourself)

    Odds are you won’t sing again tomorrow…

    I’m pretty sure this is the chief reason people hated my mixed tapes. I used to put this jam on ALL of them.

  27. hsofia permalink
    September 16, 2010 5:31 pm

    I don’t think my belly can take any more of these videos … Secret Agent Man … wow! Just wow! That’s the first time I’ve listened to a song and wondered, “What is the point of this?”

  28. September 16, 2010 7:55 pm

    Oh my… that’s amazing. Let’s not forget Bruce incorporating his love for singing in the hit movie Hudson Hawk. That was a hit, right? I mean, someone other than my mom and I like it…right?

  29. September 16, 2010 8:14 pm

    Whenever I hear this song in my head, which thankfully isn’t often, it’s always that particular rendition!

  30. September 16, 2010 8:15 pm

    My favorite actor who can’t sing. Talk sing that bad boy, Lee!

  31. September 16, 2010 11:03 pm

    Meanwhile, of course Danny Aiello was introduced to the MTV generation with Madonna’s “Papa Don’t Preach” video, where he plays the daddy role in that video… but then he created a “response” video which I think was called something like “Papa Just Wants What’s Best For You.” I think he even swiped the beat from the first vid to use for his preachy reply. Pretty sad.

    I also own the Milla Jovovich album and I’m always surprised and happy when my computer jukebox or iPod plays “Gentlemen Who Fell.” It’s way overproduced but I’m quite fond of that track in particular.

    And just because I can… Shatner and Ben Folds: “In Love”

  32. September 16, 2010 11:10 pm

    Oh and I just looked at that Milla video that Snarky posted… that’s not the one I remember! That video looks like some film school undergrad decided to try to make a video. The one I remember for the song was the one with Harry Dean Stanton (which, in the wake of the HBO series “Big Love” is rather ‘prophet’ic)….

  33. September 16, 2010 11:25 pm

    Hahaha. Milla is so awesome. I think I remember seeing her perform it on a Late Night talk show, back when I used to watch them. She was very good live. She seems a lot more expressive as a singer than she ever does as an actress or model.

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