Celebrity hair vs. Celebrity hair.
As the resident hairstylist here at the IFMiB offices (and by offices I mean our respective computers and devices scattered across the globe, utilized by our crack team of pop culture bloggin’ maniacs), it is my great privilege to present to you my totally biased opinions on the state of Celebrity Hair Today. I pretty much notice hair every waking minute. And as much as I am loathe to admit it (because I think we already give famous people far too much credit and money for the things they do or don’t do), celebrity hair has a lot of sway over the desires of many clients coming to salons all over the frickin’ planet. But frankly, I am tired of everyone wanting the hair pictured above. I don’t know what kind of secret inner circle of hairstylists made the choice, but enough with the long-ass, middle-parted hair (or sometimes side-parted if one is feeling frisky!) that falls in ringlets around the bosom already! I’m over it! It’s as ubiquitous as Apple’s white ear buds and twenty times more annoying. So if you too are looking for an antidote to the Rapunzel-like tresses being sported by every other celebrity siren, may I suggest taking a cue from a few of their sisterly rebels?
Full disclosure: I really like short hair styles. And I define “short” as above the shoulders on up. And I super-duper-extra love Carey Mulligan’s cute-ass, Rosemary’s Baby-esque haircut. I find it to be a rather brave choice in the face of the ultra-femininity of the boob-framing locks that so many of her peers are sporting right now. But see, Ms. Mulligan is far more of an actress than she is a celebrity and I think that’s a big part of it. She can rock any ‘do she wants because she knows she’s got talent to get her noticed and the rest is just gravy.
Janelle Monae’s hair is so amazing it could confiscate my entire life. I dream of being able to create a hairstyle this amazing for someone. I love it for so many reasons, not the least of which being that she is a rare black celebrity working her natural hair. And then, even better, her natural hair is being worn in such a sculpted, structured way. I feel like a lot of people just assume that if black folks wear their hair natural then it will automatically be a bubble afro. But there’s a ton of texture variety to natural hair and, unlike a lot of pin-straight hair, it is very sculptable and capable of holding some strong, fierce shapes.
I saw this on the magazine rack at Walgreen’s a few weeks ago, squealed like a schoolgirl and immediately added it to my purchases. Yes, I know this contradicts some of the reasons I praised Janelle’s hair above, but I love a lot of different looks, sue me! And this one, oh man, Rihanna can pull it off with the two-tone color and the asymmetry and everything. I honestly didn’t give her music a second listen when she had her regular, pretty girl long hair. Then she started showing up with short looks, shaved parts and all sorts of angles and I started paying attention. I think more women need to bust out a short style, even if it’s just once in their lives. P.S. I am hopefully going to get to do a version of this hair on a client soon. RAPTURE!!!
I will confess to not listening to the music of English singer/songwriter Adele all that much. She has a song that used to play a lot at the last salon I worked at that I liked a lot, but I find the lion’s share of her music to be a bit dull. However, I have always dug the hell out of her hair! And she has tons of it! So see? I don’t hate all long hair. But while Adele’s been guilty of the boob-framing hair thing on occasion, she always rocks the fiercest fringe (that’s bangs for you non-pro folks) and she does an updo – especially a side chignon – like there is no tomorrow. Seriously, she could smuggle diamonds in that thing it’s so grandiose.
Yes, yes, yes, I know Victoria Beckham is a pretty divisive celebrity for a lot of folks. Trust me, I am not saying I find her all that useful or talented as far as celebrity figures go. But I will say this for her: the woman can wear the fuck out of a short haircut. Especially this bob that she wore last year and seems to be working her way back to again. This is the kind of haircut that can take someone from having a drab, suburban style to having something insanely sexystylishholyshitamazing and they still don’t have to do a lot of work to maintain it. This was the kind of haircut that Vidal Sassoon pioneered so people could look effortlessly stylish and not have to wrestle with products, tools and pins forever and a day. Gah, I love it. I love sculpting this look on someone’s head!
I swear, I am not putting Dame Judi Dench in here to pander to Snarky’s Machine and her endless love for La Dame. The fact is, this woman’s hair has rocked my world for quite a long time. To be honest, I would be thrilled if I my hair would do exactly what hers is doing here (mine has a little too much curl to it to quite do this shape). I love when older women do not surrender to the notion that being a certain age means you can’t have style or edge. I love how piece-y and tousled her hair looks yet there’s a strong shape to it and she wears it with utter confidence. I mean look at her: this woman is 75 and she has total style and looks as sharp as hell. And you know Jamie Lee Curtis totally takes a picture of her with her to her stylist and is all “Make me look like Dame Judi!!”
And finally, I want to address one of three celebrities pictured in the image at the start of this post. And that would be you, Sarah Jessica Parker. I want to show you a picture:
Do you remember when you had this amazing haircut? Let me remind you – it was season four of Sex & The City, before the show began its slow descent into schmaltzy soap territory and you brought Mikhail Baryshnikov on as your blandtastic beau and then finally got back together with Big for the 953rd time. It was back when you let your hair have it’s natural curl and you hadn’t sold your soul to the extension gods so you could perpetually look like you should be naked astride a white horse to get some taxation reform going. Maybe some tired queen told you that look made you young and maiden-like. Well, I am here to tell you that he’s wrong. You looked seriously fantastic with this hair. You need it back. Maybe if you get it back it will save you from either making SATC 3 or it will at least help it to not suck so eternally hard as SATC 2 did. Just think about it. If you’d like, you could even fly me to New York City to give you this haircut myself. Because, you know, there’s clearly not a hairstylist there brave enough to tell you to yank out those pieces and get to cutting. You think it over and give me a call, okay? Okay.