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Carrie B, Meet Me After Homeroom!!!

April 7, 2010

I couldn't help but wonder why I had sold my high school diaries for my first pair of Choos.

While Sex and the City fans wait for something worthwhile from the franchise, Ms. Candace Bushnell had decided to get the party started early with a novel called The Carrie Diaries, a supposedly retrolicious glimpse into Carrie before the rest of the gals and Big.

Unfortunately, without even reading much I can already see we have some continuity problems.

Bushnell seems to be making good on the front end, giving Bradshaw her dream man in her senior year of high school. “She gets the boyfriend that one always dreams of getting in high school,” Bushnell says of the new character, Sebastian Kydd.

I’m sure Seb is a nice enough fellow, but Carrie’s high school boyfriend happens to be named Jeremy and he drove a Pacer. In Episode 84, “Boy, Interrupted” we met Carrie’s high school boyfriend and he looked an awful lot like Fox Mulder.

But that isn’t the only issue. Uh oh, prose time:

We’re through the main door of the high school when Lali spots my boots. They’re white patent leather and there’s a crack on one of the toes, but they’re genuine go-go boots from the early seventies. I figure the boots have had a much more interesting life than I have. “Bradley,” she says, eyeing the boots with disdain. “As your best friend, I cannot allow you to wear those boots on the first day of senior year.”

Look, I realize Bushnell is trying to evoke the spirit of 70s YA lit, but I have one tiny question. Um, has she ever read any? The rhythm is all off and the characters do not sound like they come from the same era as DEENIE (Deenie by Judy Blume) or JODY (It’s Okay if You Don’t Love Me by Norma Klein). This sounds like some California Diaries crap – the books that even Ann M. Martin couldn’t be arsed to write. This some hot buttered fail right here. And I don’t mean to be harsh.

Dear Ms. Bradshaw, it read. Thank you for your application to the New School’s Advanced Summer Writing Seminar. While your stories show promise and imagination, we regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a place in the program at this time.

I got the letter last Tuesday. I reread it about fifteen times, just to be sure, and then I had to lie down. Not that I think I’m so talented or anything, but for once in my life, I was hoping I was.

Ahhh. Okay. Carrie was so heartbroken by this rejection that she decided then to storm the big apple and write about the tawdry sex lives of her friends – exposing everyone else in NY in the process – and really show the New School what they missed? Or is this exposition to let the reader know Carrie’s got skillz?

I know this is for the Miley set and I’m not the target demographics, but seriously? Seriously? Who do they think is going to read this crap? Tweens have better things to do than to read about the polyester knockoff misty “Foxes” colored memories of some 40something faux fashionista.

So you see, in fact I am you target demographic since I still love my SATC gals and while not especially interested in finding out what Carrie was like as a teen, I’d be willing to sacrifice a few hours in appreciation for my ladies. That said, even I just can’t offer an explanation other than “OBVIOUS CASH GRAB” as to why this was published, or hell – even written.

And I can’t help but wonder if maybe I am becoming a tad jaded.

You can read the rest of the excerpt here at Teen Vogue.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. April 7, 2010 7:32 am

    OTOH, this book sounds like it’ll make a tremendous all-purpose bubble-crasher repellent, though like DDT, the big problem is that the cure might be even worse than the disease.

  2. msjacks permalink
    April 7, 2010 10:37 am

    I think it’s super disturbing that this book even exists. The idea of more 14 year-old girls being in the Army Of Carrie is sick-inducing.

  3. April 7, 2010 11:43 am

    but Carrie’s high school boyfriend happens to be named Jeremy and he drove a Pacer. In Episode 84, “Boy, Interrupted” we met Carrie’s high school boyfriend and he looked an awful lot like Fox Mulder.

    Hearts for David Duchovny in that episode. I’d have stayed with him, mental hospital or no.

  4. hsofia permalink
    April 7, 2010 11:47 am

    My head hurts. It really just sounds like Bushnell couldn’t flip that overpriced house she bought and had to resort to Plan B.

  5. evmaroon permalink
    April 7, 2010 12:32 pm

    maybe she had more than one boyfriend? or she was stepping out on her man? oh, who even remembers high school? if I were writing the book about Carrie’s HS days, I’d have her with stringy hair, addicted to Ding Dongs, cursing her braces, and pissed off that the best kisser she’d found was Hector who would only make out with her in the stairwell behind the band practice room because he didn’t want anyone to know they were together. but I shouldn’t make everything be about myself.

  6. April 7, 2010 3:44 pm

    raw footage of Bradshaw’s high school home movies obtained from TMZ.

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