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This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things: Clash of the Titans

April 6, 2010

Hamlin en route to the Ralphs in Studio City.

As if there wasn’t already enough precarious remake news, they done remade the 80s Kraken craptactular Clash of the Titans. If that weren’t enough, they also managed find $64.1 mil worth of people suffering the pandemic effects of forgettiness to go out on and see this mofo.

The ancient Greek action remake “Clash of the Titans” debuted at No. 1 with $61.4 million, according to studio estimates Sunday. Adding Thursday night preview screenings, the movie totaled $64.1 million. Released by Warner Bros., “Clash of the Titans” features “Avatar” star Sam Worthington as demigod hero Perseus and Liam Neeson as his dad, Zeus, king of the Olympian deities.

From NewsOK

Why? Do you want to see Chris Pike Flash his Gordon? Cause that’s what’s coming if you don’t leave that shit alone. Or worse, someone will think there ought to be a reboot of the Jason of Star Command franchise, which has Wenty Miller III’s name written all over it. Ooh, it’s on DVD now. Sweet.

Now I don’t want to rain on your childhood but this movie wasn’t good. It was terrible. It was all public access Saturday morning puppet show and Sergio Valente acting.

Uh oh, indeed.

Moreover, having both lived in Greece and also haunted the same all night grocery store as Hamlin in Studio City, I assure you neither is accurately represented by this film. Though I should point out Greece comes out way ahead.

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22 Comments leave one →
  1. evmaroon permalink
    April 6, 2010 2:48 am

    I freaking loved the original because it was so bad!! I even played it in a double header with Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! Maybe I should go do a mash-up.

    What were those “special effects,” anyway? It was like stop motion meets blue screen meets John Madden drawing on the film and talking about the six-legged turkey at the Thanksgiving game. I’ll never forget Medusa’s strangely slithering snake hair.

  2. April 6, 2010 2:53 am

    The fighting scenes looked like they were taken from two different movies and then one film strip was placed on top of the other. And then BAM, you got a SFX sammich of sci-fi awesome.

  3. April 6, 2010 3:02 am

    Damn with this movie and The A Team, Liam Neeson is shaping up to be the Michael Caine of remakes.

  4. wellroundedtype2 permalink
    April 6, 2010 7:06 am

    Best. Post. Title. Ever.

  5. April 6, 2010 7:10 am

    But it’s NEW! and IMPROVED! in 3-D!!

  6. IrishUp permalink
    April 6, 2010 10:35 am

    I’m with evamoon. I went to see CotT as a Sat. $1 matinee. LURVE that cheesey claymation – same effects they used in those Sinbad movies, right? Lordy, my poor dad was made to see all of those, too.

    And yet, when I saw the trailer for this, my first thought was “whut? why? why? WHY????” My second thoght was “If it doesn’t have Athena’s inexplicably mechanical owl, that’s a deal-breaker.”

  7. IrishUp permalink
    April 6, 2010 10:38 am

    OOp, my apologies, I meant to type evmaroon. Dang! I should just cut and paste in these situations. My Bad!

  8. April 6, 2010 10:50 am

    @IrishUp, Yup, the original Clash of the Titans was Ray Harryhausen’s last film (he’s still alive btw). He was the guy behind the special effects in the Sinbad movies as well in Mighty Joe Young and Jason and the Argonauts — the fight with the skeletons is still pretty creepy, and I can’t help but think it was the inspiration for the similar sequence in Pirates of the Caribbean.

  9. April 6, 2010 10:57 am

    I liked the original. I think the effects were fine. This was 1981, holy god. Of course I was four. So I was basically mastering NOT shitting my pants.

    Stil, the medusa hunting/slaying scene was one that terrified me (perhaps it was the lack of music? The rattle of her tail? The firelight flickering on the columns?) and I’ve yet to speak to an adult my age who didn’t feel the same way.

    And I loved Hamlin and his thin veneer of oil, and his seventies hair. And as Perseus he totally wasn’t that much of an asshole (Zeus, OTOH, what a dick). Oh and the actress playing Andromeda looked like a REAL LIFE BARBIE. She had amazingly perfect skin and a long neck that went into an articulated head-hole. I swear.

    Oh and also there’s a scene in the beginning of the original with a mom breastfeeding her kid, which is rare and I totally love the film for showing it. The only other film I can think of that shows breasfteeding (without it being an indicator of wretched poverty or slapstick comedy) is, get this, a brief scene in the beginning of Training Day (2001).

    This new one is likely going to be very bad. I get the feeling they’re going to be all about pwning the stop-motion effects. This is like my friend’s adult dog who used to beat the shit out of puppies. Because he could.

  10. evmaroon permalink
    April 6, 2010 11:02 am

    No worries, @IrishUp, at least you didn’t go for moron over maroon. The fun wore off on that joke in 1975.

    And the mechanical owl! I had forgotten about that. I think there’s a reason why it was his last directorial stint for the movies…

  11. April 6, 2010 11:03 am

    @Irish Up THE OWL WAS THE BOMB!

    That said, Snarky is right, whatta stinker. Also, whoever they got to play the lead is just way too…. smooth. Not enough hairy Hamlin locks and fuzzy chest. Isn’t that why 3-D was invented? For glistening chest hair… right?

  12. April 6, 2010 11:13 am

    Isn’t that why 3-D was invented? For glistening chest hair… right?
    Smells like a new tagline.

    I’m already tired of Sam Worthington.

    I’m with evamoon. I went to see CotT as a Sat. $1 matinee. LURVE that cheesey claymation – same effects they used in those Sinbad movies, right? Lordy, my poor dad was made to see all of those, too.

    LOL Sinbad. Those were worse!!!

  13. April 6, 2010 11:53 am

    This new one is likely going to be very bad. I get the feeling they’re going to be all about pwning the stop-motion effects. This is like my friend’s adult dog who used to beat the shit out of puppies. Because he could.

    The stop motion was the coolest part, it just looked whack when they tried to integrate it with the live actors.

  14. April 6, 2010 12:29 pm

    @well rounded – thank you, muchly! *doffs cap*

  15. April 6, 2010 1:55 pm

    I was just watching the original version last night before I decided to ditch it for “Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus”.

  16. April 6, 2010 2:07 pm

    Why, Tasha? Did your cable go out?

  17. araymondjohnson permalink
    April 6, 2010 4:16 pm

    I also loved the original and watched it again and again. I haven’t looked at it since turning 10 though, so……

    Also, I talked to a guy who saw the remake on opening day and he shrugged and said it “wasn’t as good as the original”.

  18. araymondjohnson permalink
    April 6, 2010 4:16 pm

    @Tasha omg, how was that?!?!? I saw the preview and was excited/scared.

  19. IrishUp permalink
    April 6, 2010 5:10 pm

    @redlami – TYVM; Ray Harryhausen is a name I will try to remember. I LOOVED MJY, it consoled me for the way poor King Kong was treated. Went to see Jason and the Argonauts too. Hmmm, apparently I am a Ray Harryhausen fan, or at least my inner 12yo is.

    Maybe I should watch these again, but then again, I’m gonna bet that they don’t stand up well. Even as a kid, the orange-painted actors in the Sinbad movies bothered me. Maybe it’s just best to leave the memory all shiny in my mind.

    Anyway, good to have a name to put to that work, so thanks again.

  20. April 6, 2010 10:00 pm

    Maybe I should watch these again, but then again, I’m gonna bet that they don’t stand up well. Even as a kid, the orange-painted actors in the Sinbad movies bothered me. Maybe it’s just best to leave the memory all shiny in my mind.

    I really tried, IrishUp, to go easy on Sinbad because I do have fond memories of watching it along with Shazam! (the traveling camper superhero one, not Shaq) and CotT. It was quite painful.

  21. Athena permalink
    September 17, 2010 4:22 pm

    Agreed. This remake was SO.VERY.BAD. And not even in a laughable, so-bad-its-good kind of way.

    Also, can I just say. As a Greek woman, I’m so sick of movies set in ancient GREECE….featuring a whole mess of people with BRITISH accents. Can’t they even pretend to want to be accurate?

  22. September 17, 2010 5:19 pm

    Also, can I just say. As a Greek woman, I’m so sick of movies set in ancient GREECE….featuring a whole mess of people with BRITISH accents. Can’t they even pretend to want to be accurate?

    Ding ding ding. And would it kill them to cast some GREEKS!

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