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A cup of coffee with MTV & VH1

March 25, 2010

In which your intrepid pop culture critic eats some breakfast and watches some “music television” with her coffee.

8:30 am PST: Starting with VH1’s “Jump Start”.  A graphic with people jumping in slow motion over some TRON background informs me that Lady Gaga is the number one most “looked at” artist on VH1.com.  Ok, fine, great, play some videos, please. First up:

Lady Antebellum – “Need You Now”.

I thought this was going to be someone riding on Gaga’s coattails, but it’s not. I feel bad for even reviewing this, because it’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Jesusgod this is horrible. I’m just going to leave the video out of this, because while it is bad, but just boring bad. I don’t know anything about these guys, but this whole band smacks of Band by Committee. There have been terrific bands that were created by someone to be pop stars (see: The Shangri-La’s), but they were created by someone with a singular vision. Lady Antebellum seems like a buncha white dudes in blazers that have trees and crap silk screened onto them sat around a table saying, “No, more piano, less guitar. Wait, she shouldn’t sing too crazy, have her tone it down a bit. Let’s make a band like those rock bands with a chick singer, but throw a little country music in. Keep it mellow maaaaaan. This shit is gonna be huge on VH1 with crossover potential to CMT!” It is MOR in the most offensive, lazy, unimaginative way. Next.

Michael Buble – “Haven’t Met You Yet”:

It’s like the live action version of “Stars: They’re Just Like Us!” from Starz magazine. Buble is perusing the frozen isle. He has selected a frozen pizza and what looks like a frozen pasta dish. There are also some frozen strawberries and ice cream in his cart. Lazy pop-psych alert: Clearly the cart of a bachelor. Oh, now he’s singing in the store. I do this all the time (whether I’m working or shopping) so I approve.  The butcher is singing to his knife, the stockboy is breakdancing. I wish real life was like this. There is a bed floating through the aisles where Buble is singing to some blonde chick who keeps blankly smiling at him. Buble is ignoring the cute brunette check-out girl for his imaginary blonde girlfriend who he apparently just hasn’t met yet. Buble is an idiot. This song is catchy but a little too milquetoast for me. Apparently working with Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings (which isn’t available on Youtube, f u verymuch SNL) didn’t rub off on Buble at all. A pity, cause dude can sing and he has a weird eyebrow/forehead thing that I kinda like. Next.

VH1 “News” – A “report” on SXSW. *Sigh* Some dumbshit with a beard and a chest tattoo is making jokes about skinny jeans. The joke is tired and the irony is crushing. I yell at the television and almost choke on a bite of toast with apricot jam.

Timbaland (Sorry, but I’ve already forgotten what this Autotune crap was)- Click the channel. Sorry Timba, I just don’t think you’re a very good rapper. If you still have Missy Elliot’s phone number, please text her and ask her to make another album pls, kthx. Next.

Switch to AMTV:

Lady Gaga – Telephone:

F it, I’m not going to link to this.

I already gave my two cents on this. Song is catchy as all get out, but I still feel the same. Why is Lady Gaga always so angry when she’s dancing? It seems that Lady Gaga’s mellow is always harshed. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that now Virgin Mobile’s logo has been blurred out of the video. Did Virgin drop Gaga? Did Gaga decide to remove it after pages and pages of internet were filled up griping about product placement? Personaly, my money is on the fact that I’m pretty sure Gaga is mad because she’s going to run out of ideas pretty soon.

Kelly Clarkson “Breakaway” From the Princess Diaries 2 Soundtrack:

OK, I guess this is what passes as an “oldie” on MTV these days. I have heard this song, but never seen the video. Pretty standard video for a song about “spreading your wings to fly”. Kelly is a tomboy who wants to get out of this one pony town! OMG, cue the wind machines. Wait, she’s singing inside the screening of the movie! I don’t know what one pony town she came from, but in the city we generally frown upon having your life changing revelations while singing in the movie theater. How rude. Why isn’t anyone throwing stale Milk Duds at her?

Rhianna – “Rude Boy”:

Wow. Blatant M.I.A. rip-off. From the animated backgrounds with grenades and speakers right down to fashion choices like the skin-tight gold one-piece and captain’s hat. Undeniably catchy, but when the lyrics veer away from stupid fun “WANT WANT WANT WHATCHA WANT WANT WANT GIVE IT TO ME BABY LIKE BOOM BOOM BOOM” and go for raunchy/sexy it falls flat on it’s face because it’s so overt that it’s like when an 8 year old learns to say “boobs”. I mean, “Get it up, it’s time to get it up.” “Boy can you get it up, boy is you big enough?” If the focus of this song is on wondering if her Rude Boy can get it up, I don’t get it. Is it a rhetorical question? Is this a quiz? I’m sorry, I left my no. 2 pencil in the car.

Last bit of coffee down the pipe. Television off. Curmudgeon quotient filled. For today anyhow…

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. March 25, 2010 2:28 pm

    OK, I guess this is what passes as an “oldie” on MTV these days. I have heard this song, but never seen the video. Pretty standard video for a song about “spreading your wings to fly”. Kelly is a tomboy who wants to get out of this one pony town! OMG, cue the wind machines. Wait, she’s singing inside the screening of the movie! I don’t know what one pony town she came from, but in the city we generally frown upon having your life changing revelations while singing in the movie theater. How rude. Why isn’t anyone throwing stale Milk Duds at her?

    Ha. Is it just me, or does this video air every morning during Jump Start? I swear I see it every time I go to the gym. Was the song that popular?

  2. March 25, 2010 2:36 pm

    I think it plays simultaneously in all the GAPs, Bananas, and Old Navys at least 6 times a day.

  3. msjacks permalink
    March 25, 2010 2:39 pm

    What ever made these people think that ‘Lady Antebellum’ was an appropriate or even acceptable name for a band?! “Hey, you know what’s cool? Plantation mistresses!”

  4. March 25, 2010 2:39 pm

    Ha! That is so scary, but true.

  5. March 25, 2010 2:40 pm

    Big Slavin’ 10

  6. March 25, 2010 2:43 pm

    More like Lady Mortadella, amiright?

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mortadella

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