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Kirstie Alley’s Limited Scope Life Episode 2

March 24, 2010

So here we are at Episode 2 of “Kirstie Alley’s Big Life“. We open with a shot of Jim doing some hammerin’ and Kirstie sitting at a laptop, looking like an adorable addled grandmother in turquoise eyeglasses. Immediately it’s revealed that Kirstie is launching a weight loss line! Didn’t see that one coming. If you’ll remember from episode 1, Jim is Kirstie’s diet buddy. Well, she’s now calling him her “chubby buddy”.

It’s time to take the before pictures. Jim takes off his shirt and Kirstie snaps away, advising him to “look really depressed”, which did actually make me LOL. She keeps telling him how great he’s going to look when “we’re thin”. She also feels he looks better than the guys on “Biggest Loser” because he doesn’t have MANTITS. Hop on the scale, Jim.

Jim doesn’t get the dignity of hearing his weight in stones. He’s a good 325 lbs, which for him is unacceptable. He envisions himself at 195 lbs, meaning he has to lose 130 lbs for those of you who, like me, need a calculator for this crap.

Intermission: We’ve got a theme song and a cute animated intro!

Kyle (the apprenticing assistant) is being paged over the property-wide intercom. He’s taking a probably not-so-well deserved nap, which he apparently has done for the past two days. Kirstie and Kelly (the assistant) appropriately shame him and he appropriately pretends to be apologetic. Cut to Kelly “having a talk” with him about his behavior and how it reflects badly on her. The conversation goes something like “OK, like, I know you’re not like, in the swing of things yet? But it’s like, reflecting badly? On me? When I’m trying to like, find you, and you’re like, sleeping? So if you could like, try? To stay awake? That would be cool.” This whole thing really feels like manufactured low-key drama to fill time.

Kirstie and Jim are in a room with quite a bit of equipment in it attempting to exercise, but find themselves unable to do so without instruction on how to move their bodies appropriately. After much discussion, mostly on the part of Kirstie, Kyle is summoned and commanded to find them a trainer who is not “screamy and creepy” or “namby pamby” and find them ASAP so they can interview them. Then it’s time for a snack.

Kelly works in a room with a door that looks like it belongs on the Keebler elf treehouse. Literally, Kyle has to bend fully halfway over to get into it, it’s maybe a foot wide and it looks like a keyhole. And there’s a large key laid over it. I’m wondering if the significance of this will be addressed later or if I’m just going to be left puzzling over it. Anyway. Kyle is asking Kelly to Google trainers for him because he doesn’t know how to find them, so Kelly has to tell Kyle he needs to learn these things on his own if he’s to become a good assistant. Kyle sits there for a minute with a blank look, then thanks Kelly for her time and apologizes for bothering her. The door is not explained.

Now we’re back to the exercise room, where Jim is reclining in some contraption that looks like a dentist’s chair and Kirstie’s kids are playing with the Wii Fit. Her son Drew is doing the hula hoop, poorly, which Jim thinks is funny. Lilly, her daughter, comments that she’d like to see Jim do it. Cue up Jim to get on the Fit. I don’t know a lot about the Wii Fit, but apparently when you start this game it measures your BMI. The cute little voice chirps out “Measuring… measuring… measuring… *ding* That’s obese!” Which again, honestly made me LOL. The kids start laughing and Jim’s like, “That’s messed up”. Jim turns out to be pretty bad at the hula hoop game too. Lilly goes to the kitchen and attempts to drag Kirstie into the exercise room to play with the Wii, which Kirstie is extremely reticent to do. She doesn’t like that it tells you that you’re obese. Well, actually, she “doesn’t need some little fucking cartoon telling her she’s fucking fat”. Cut to her in the exercise room playing some different Wii game where she’s racing a cartoon girl, yelling “run bitch, I’m going to cut you!”. She loses the race.

Kyle is having difficulties finding trainers for Kirstie and Jim. He’s telling them that he “has a high profile celebrity client who is kind of fat”. Lots of cursing, asking for references and telling them “well what if your client just sat on the couch eating bon bons, what would the results of your program be then?” It’s established that trainers will begin to arrive at the house at 11 a.m. the next morning. 11 a.m. rolls around, Kirstie, Jim, Kelly and Kyle are sitting in the exercise room (which I’m now beginning to feel is the only room besides the Keebler house Kelly lives in and the kitchen), waiting for the trainers to arrive. Jim confesses that he had the kids bring him In-N-Out Burger last night. It was their first night on the diet. Kyle gets a text that the first trainer is at the gate. Time for a montage!

Wow, some of these trainers seem like they were picked because they’re weird! There’s a good ol’ boy, a super perky exercise bunny who invites Kirstie to “look at this butt!”, an old guy wearing a flannel shirt and short shorts who looks like he just came in off the street and may be a potential stalker, a super confident black woman with a superiority complex, and the most normal of the bunch, a well-muscled black dude who was Trainer of the Year in Northern California for 2006. Freeze montage, go to voice over in which Kirstie insists that none of these trainers knows what they’re getting into, cut to commercial.

Ah, we’re back. Kirstie is talking to Tracy, her stylist, about her appearance when she exercises. She feels she doesn’t look so hot, and she needs some cute clothes because… she chose J.R., the well-muscled black guy! They’re looking at online pictures of him and giggling like teenagers, and Kirstie decides she’s going to call him right now and hire him. She can barely dial the number without laughing. J.R. picks up and she introduces himself, does the requisite apology for taking so long to get back to him, and then starts in on something. She says “I have one tiny consideration and you have to bear with me here because I’m from Kansas and I’m sort of a redneck. And I’ve just –” (At this point Tracy starts to crack up and Kirstie grabs her to keep her quiet) “– I’ve just never been around black people that much.” Tracy whispers something in her ear. Kirstie continues. “I mean, I’m down with brown, but black is wack.” Dude is like “Uh well um.. well… Aren’t you friends with Oprah?” Both Kirstie and Tracy bust out laughing and Kirstie admits she was messing with him. He says something like “Oh for real? You know I’m just sitting here like wow…” I have to admit, that did also make me LOL. 3 laughs for this episode. So J.R.’s Kirstie and Jim’s dude.

Next scene Kirstie and Jim are being properly trained by J.R. Kirstie is clearly more invested in this than Jim, who gives up pretty easily. At the end of the workout, J.R. asks them what went wrong when they started gaining the weight. Kirstie says 2 years ago she was at the weight she wanted to be, but then she got irresponsible. Jim got married and lazy. J.R. asks them what their goal weight is. For Jim it’s 195 lbs. For Kirstie it’s 130-140 lbs AND she wants to be able to not pay attention to her body at all, she can be shot at any angle or in any position and she won’t care. She’ll love her body. Surely that couldn’t happen at the weight she’s at! And we all know losing weight cures every problem you have with your body.

We end on Kirstie in bed sleeping, her voiceover intoning that she needs to decide between eating and being irresponsible and losing weight and winning an Oscar, her life’s dream. I personally don’t think she’s going to win an Oscar fat or skinny. Unless they start giving out Oscars for yo-yo dieting, but I think her pal Oprah’s got a lock on that one.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. evmaroon permalink
    March 24, 2010 7:36 am

    TWOP, you have just been served. Tasha is all over this hot mess of a show!

    When you laugh, I laugh.

  2. March 24, 2010 8:07 am

    Thank you for watching and reporting on reality television, Tashie. So I don’t have to!

  3. March 24, 2010 11:50 am

    I’m just glad this only comes on once a week now. 2 back to back is waaay too much big life.

  4. March 24, 2010 12:45 pm

    This show sounds pretty much unbearable to me.

    And by unbearable I mean boring.

  5. March 24, 2010 1:24 pm

    You would be correct, ma’am. Next week is her birthday party, maybe that will be more entertaining.

  6. March 24, 2010 2:03 pm

    Yeah, I can’t get what the appeal of a show like would be. But Oprah’s hair looks nice in that pic.

  7. March 24, 2010 2:04 pm

    Oprah has some banging hair. It’s super thick and looks really healthy for lyed hair.

  8. msjacks permalink
    March 25, 2010 1:41 pm

    I saw that Oprah episode. It was weird all over, but particularly when Kirstie redecorated the home of some couple in Texas (Why?!).

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