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Everything I Know About Life I Learned by Watching Mahogany

March 11, 2010

Model Nichole Robinson giving us her best Mahogany

1. When happening upon a cute boy armed with a bullhorn, milk is the logical weapon.

At my various hippie colleges there were no shortage of men armed with air horns, bull horns or empty cardboard paper towel tubes neighing into the early morning hours about all manner of thoughts best left for moleskines and manifestos. Often you can’t really effectively get them to cease with their early morning crowing merely by gentle suggestion. And like Mahogany did to Billy Dee, you’re just gonna have to bring out the big guns – Vitamin D, Half and Half or Buttermilk.

2. Fake it till you make it.

Whether it’s hair, moxie, eyelashes or sanity. Don’t wait for these things to come naturally. Strap ’em on in the morning and keep on stepping, sista. Besides everyone around you will probably be coked up on self importance or – you know – actual coke to notice your performance.

Brian and Mahogany (not shown: bull horn)

3. It’s okay to let the crazy white man artiste mentor you, but you probably don’t want to let him drive you anywhere.

Sean, while an astute and interesting mentor, is batshit and shouldn’t allowed to mentor you while at the wheel of a sports car. But I’ve also learned, once you’re in the car with the batshit mentor, it’s probably too late to consider the merits of the decision. Put on your seatbelt, embrace your art and hope for the best.

4. Surprisingly enough, if you’re true to yourself, you’re always exactly what they’re looking for.

Now, you’re not going to strut in and hear, “Her and six more like her.” but you’ll get an applicable approximation. And hey, what’s that cheesy saying – be yourself, since everyone else is taken.

Sean and Mahogany (not shown - bat shittery)

5. Eventually that bull horn person grows into someone you actually like.

Either you get over yourself or they get a sense of humor – ideally both – but eventually you’re dazzled by what is actually in front of you rather than some fantasy foolishness which only wishes to be chased and never caught.

Ms. Ross is Mahogany

6. Remember every moment of your first success.

Everything. From the heartbreak to that moment where you’re waltzing across the stage to the dulcet sounds of an adoring crowd. Commit every detail to memory for they are the things that will carry you through the bleak, uninspired moments. Oh and for corn’s sake if you’re going to do ruby lips WEAR LIPLINER. Don’t let your moment of triumph be marred by feathering lipstick.

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This post previously appeared on Snarky’s Machine

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